This was not a play, and therefore this is not a review. It is an abridged version which I believe is recommended reading for anybody considering going to see this play. Spoiler warning: there is nothing to spoil, but those who want to find that out for themselves, probably shouldn't read this.
A THOUSAND STARS EXPLODE IN THE SKY
OR
HOME TO MILL FARM
(A Thousand Stars Explore in the Sky is far too exciting a title. It implies something happens)
by David Eldridge, Robert Holman and Simon Stephens
by Orion Hunt
OR
HOME TO MILL FARM
(A Thousand Stars Explore in the Sky is far too exciting a title. It implies something happens)
by Orion Hunt
SCENE 1:
William, James and Philip are brothers. Despite there being 50 years between all of them. William is dying of colon cancer, which is handy as the universe is ending. They talk about their estranged brothers, Edward and Jake. William wants James to bring them HOME TO MILL FARM.
SCENE 2:
Jake (estranged brother 1) is with his daughter Nicola, a druggie, and her son Roy, whom he has been raising. They talk. Jake thinks they should all go HOME TO MILL FARM. Nicola disagrees.
SCENE 3:
Philip is with Harriet, James's wife. They talk.
James arrives with Jenny the dog. This is momentarily quite exciting. They talk (not the dog - too exciting).
Harriet leaves to find cream tea. Philip and James talk. Harriet returns, thinking 5 minutes has passed. The men think over an hour has passed. It's anybody's guess really, but I'm inclined to think the men are right on this one. They talk about going HOME TOMILL FARM TWICKENHAM.
SCENE 4:
Philip and his mother Margaret wash William. Nobody talks much.
SCENE 5:
Jake, Roy and Nicola talk. She pulls out a tooth. This is less interesting than it sounds. She still doesn't want to go HOME TO MILL FARM. Roy is sad.
SCENE 6:
James manages to find Edward (estranged brother 2). James wants Edward to come HOME TO MILL FARM. He doesn't want to.
SCENE 7:
Jesus Christ, how many more until an interval? Oh no, wait, this scene might be interesting.
Philip holds his mother-as-a-baby while watching his dead grandmother Dorrity ( as in, if someone asked you what a book was like and you said, "Well, it's quite Little Dorrit-y") have extramarital sex with a refugee, Karl. Philip might be psychic, or time might be collapsing, or I might have dozed off and dreamt this.
SCENE 8:
Harriet comes in with Jenny's leash and tells James she just killed Jenny offstage with a claw hammer. That's the most watchable character gone then. They decide to go HOME TO MILL FARM.
INTERVAL: I try to drink as much as possible to numb the pain. Fifteen minutes is not enough.
SCENE 9:
Roy. Jake. Talk. Roy might be psychic. Or it might be the time-space thing. They're on a train going HOME TO MILL FARM. Read that last sentence again. Yes, that's right. It's the goddamn apocalypse, and British Rail, which can't manage when there are wet leaves on the track, is putting on extra services. Disbelief well and truly unsuspended.
SCENE 10:
Edward and Nicola. They talk. No one mentions going HOME TO MILL FARM. But Nicola does talk about seeing a man defecate on the perfume counter at Selfridge's before she killed him. Can't help thinking that would have made a better scene.
SCENE 11:
Philip and William talk. Over an electric fence (for some reason). William's a ghost so I'm guessing the cancer got him. The electric fence makes a spark and a bang. I jump.
Dorrity arrives. They talk.
SCENE 12:
It's a long one folks. Harriet and James have arrived HOME TO MILL FARM. They carry bowls and ask about carrots to show how it's a farm. William is definitely dead. They talk. Margaret shouts.
Jake and Roy arrive HOME TO MILL FARM. Now that nearly everyone has come HOME TO MILL FARM, they stop saying it so much.
Margaret is a bit of a cunt to Jake. Roy calls her a cunt. Totally called that before you.
I notice at this point I scrawled the note to my friend Hannah, "We're leaving at the curtain - NO CLAPPING".
SCENE 13:
Philip and Margaret. He comes out to her.
SCENE 14:
Philip. Roy. Talk.
Apparently, they both saw a Viking at William's funeral. They have also seen that Nicola has killed herself in Twickenham with a bottle of weedkiller. Again, can't help thinking this should be what we're seeing.
SCENE 15:
I look at my programme and thank you Mary, mother of God, it's the last scene.
Lots of light bulbs come down from the ceiling. Clearly they had the set left over from Spring Awakening. I start to hum 'Mama Who Bore Me'. Hannah shushes me.
Margaret, James, Harriet, Jake, Roy and Philip talk. Edward arrives HOME TO MILL FARM. On a penny farthing. No, really. He doesn't ride it though. Too exciting.
They talk. They eat some manchego and quince jam. They talk.
The light bulbs go bright.
The light bulbs go out.
William, James and Philip are brothers. Despite there being 50 years between all of them. William is dying of colon cancer, which is handy as the universe is ending. They talk about their estranged brothers, Edward and Jake. William wants James to bring them HOME TO MILL FARM.
SCENE 2:
Jake (estranged brother 1) is with his daughter Nicola, a druggie, and her son Roy, whom he has been raising. They talk. Jake thinks they should all go HOME TO MILL FARM. Nicola disagrees.
SCENE 3:
Philip is with Harriet, James's wife. They talk.
James arrives with Jenny the dog. This is momentarily quite exciting. They talk (not the dog - too exciting).
Harriet leaves to find cream tea. Philip and James talk. Harriet returns, thinking 5 minutes has passed. The men think over an hour has passed. It's anybody's guess really, but I'm inclined to think the men are right on this one. They talk about going HOME TO
SCENE 4:
Philip and his mother Margaret wash William. Nobody talks much.
SCENE 5:
Jake, Roy and Nicola talk. She pulls out a tooth. This is less interesting than it sounds. She still doesn't want to go HOME TO MILL FARM. Roy is sad.
SCENE 6:
James manages to find Edward (estranged brother 2). James wants Edward to come HOME TO MILL FARM. He doesn't want to.
SCENE 7:
Jesus Christ, how many more until an interval? Oh no, wait, this scene might be interesting.
Philip holds his mother-as-a-baby while watching his dead grandmother Dorrity ( as in, if someone asked you what a book was like and you said, "Well, it's quite Little Dorrit-y") have extramarital sex with a refugee, Karl. Philip might be psychic, or time might be collapsing, or I might have dozed off and dreamt this.
SCENE 8:
Harriet comes in with Jenny's leash and tells James she just killed Jenny offstage with a claw hammer. That's the most watchable character gone then. They decide to go HOME TO MILL FARM.
INTERVAL: I try to drink as much as possible to numb the pain. Fifteen minutes is not enough.
SCENE 9:
Roy. Jake. Talk. Roy might be psychic. Or it might be the time-space thing. They're on a train going HOME TO MILL FARM. Read that last sentence again. Yes, that's right. It's the goddamn apocalypse, and British Rail, which can't manage when there are wet leaves on the track, is putting on extra services. Disbelief well and truly unsuspended.
SCENE 10:
Edward and Nicola. They talk. No one mentions going HOME TO MILL FARM. But Nicola does talk about seeing a man defecate on the perfume counter at Selfridge's before she killed him. Can't help thinking that would have made a better scene.
SCENE 11:
Philip and William talk. Over an electric fence (for some reason). William's a ghost so I'm guessing the cancer got him. The electric fence makes a spark and a bang. I jump.
Dorrity arrives. They talk.
SCENE 12:
It's a long one folks. Harriet and James have arrived HOME TO MILL FARM. They carry bowls and ask about carrots to show how it's a farm. William is definitely dead. They talk. Margaret shouts.
Jake and Roy arrive HOME TO MILL FARM. Now that nearly everyone has come HOME TO MILL FARM, they stop saying it so much.
Margaret is a bit of a cunt to Jake. Roy calls her a cunt. Totally called that before you.
I notice at this point I scrawled the note to my friend Hannah, "We're leaving at the curtain - NO CLAPPING".
SCENE 13:
Philip and Margaret. He comes out to her.
SCENE 14:
Philip. Roy. Talk.
Apparently, they both saw a Viking at William's funeral. They have also seen that Nicola has killed herself in Twickenham with a bottle of weedkiller. Again, can't help thinking this should be what we're seeing.
SCENE 15:
I look at my programme and thank you Mary, mother of God, it's the last scene.
Lots of light bulbs come down from the ceiling. Clearly they had the set left over from Spring Awakening. I start to hum 'Mama Who Bore Me'. Hannah shushes me.
Margaret, James, Harriet, Jake, Roy and Philip talk. Edward arrives HOME TO MILL FARM. On a penny farthing. No, really. He doesn't ride it though. Too exciting.
They talk. They eat some manchego and quince jam. They talk.
The light bulbs go bright.
The light bulbs go out.
END
And there we have it. Who knew the end of the world was so dull?
Tickets:
£10 for the front row. And I now owe Hannah my firstborn for bringing this abomination upon her.
Programme:
If you're still reading this, and still thinking of going, then I hope you do buy the programme and I hope you get a thousand paper cuts all over your eye with it. But they're £3, since you asked.
A Thousand Stars Explode In The Sky runs from now until the universe ends.
And there we have it. Who knew the end of the world was so dull?
Tickets:
£10 for the front row. And I now owe Hannah my firstborn for bringing this abomination upon her.
Programme:
If you're still reading this, and still thinking of going, then I hope you do buy the programme and I hope you get a thousand paper cuts all over your eye with it. But they're £3, since you asked.
A Thousand Stars Explode In The Sky runs from now until the universe ends.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment